I met my Prince Charming when we were freshmen in college. We married soon after graduating. It was happily ever after until it wasn’t. Fast forward 15 years and two kids later–after quitting a job I loved and moving away from my home state, I found myself severely depressed, barely able to get out of bed each morning, and dreading the future.
I had never considered divorce, and certainly never wished for a failed marriage. And yet, here I am, a divorced mom, happier than I have been in years.
What happened? I don’t know, and I probably won’t figure it all out for a while, if ever. We grew, we changed, kids changed us, I didn’t speak up enough, he didn’t listen hard enough, we were too different after all. I’m a giver, he’s a taker. Our parenting styles were very different, and the examples of parenting we grew up with were very different.
It took me a while to realize that I had fallen out of love. And then I struggled with what to do. Should I try to fall back in love? How could I even consider divorce? Wouldn’t this traumatize our kids? Would my parents ever forgive me? How could I leave him, my sole source of income, when I hadn’t worked in two years?
I found an insightful counselor who asked me during one session how much of my depression was due to my marriage. After blowing off her question initially, it stuck with me. And I slowly realized that no amount of counseling or anti-depressants would dig me out of the hole I had fallen into if I didn’t leave my marriage. And, more importantly, I couldn’t be the mother I wanted to be if I was trapped in that hole, and I couldn’t show my girls what marriage should be if I stayed married to their father.
So I left. (That wasn’t easy, but more on that later.)
Our divorce has been final for two weeks. I have never felt more free, more light, or more happy. I am finally finding myself.
I thought that the news that the divorce was final would lead to mourning what I’d lost. When it didn’t, I realized that my heart had already been broken, and I’d been mourning the loss of my marriage for over a year already. When people ask me how I feel, the best metaphor I can manage is that I feel like a butterfly emerging from her chrysalis. I’m finding my wings. I’m ready to fly.
Divorced-at-Home Mom 