When I was considering leaving my husband, my primary concern–and the main reason I didn’t leave right away–was my children. Our two kids were 4 and 8 at the time. I’d spent their entire lives trying to do everything right for them; how could I even consider breaking up their family? I assumed the worst: troubled childhoods, depression and anxiety, unhealthy relationships for the rest of their lives, drugs, gangs, etc. (only sort of kidding).
My parents are still married after about a million years, so I had no personal experience with how divorce could impact kids. They don’t have a perfect marriage, but they are definitely committed to each other. Their marriage is one of those “givens” in my life. It is, it always has been, it always will be. How would I have felt if they divorced when I was growing up? I can’t even imagine.
In the months leading up to my decision to leave, my older daughter kept having nightmares. When I asked her about them, she said she just had this feeling that something really bad was going to happen. I was horrified. Somehow she must have sensed that I had been contemplating breaking up her home, and she was scared even though she didn’t know why.
I was convinced that I had to make things work for the sake of my girls. I wasn’t being abused. I wasn’t worried about our safety. My husband worked hard and made good money. Wasn’t it selfish of me to even consider breaking up their home just because I wasn’t happy? Or, more accurately, because I wasn’t happy now with the person I’d been happy with for years? How could I even consider divorce when the problem was me?
Unfortunately, my depression continued to get worse, despite medication and counseling. And I was not being the mom I wanted to be. It was becoming increasingly obvious that I couldn’t fix me without leaving my marriage.
At some point, with my counselor’s help, I realized that the choice I was making was not between a happy home for my children and a broken home. The choice I was making was between a desperately unhappy, barely-able-to-function mother in a home that was already broken and two separate homes–homes that would hopefully eventually evolve into happy homes. If I was being honest with myself, the truth was that my children hadn’t lived in a happy home for years.
I also realized that by staying in my marriage, I was giving my girls a bad example of what marriage should be. My example was showing them that they should sacrifice their happiness for their family, no matter what it cost them. And that is not what I want for them. I want them to find true partners. I don’t want them to give and give and give until they’re empty.
It was these two realizations–that their home was already broken and that I didn’t want my marriage to serve as their example of what a marriage should be–that gave me the push I needed.
But I was still concerned about losing custody, especially because I was being treated for depression. (I can see now how ridiculous that fear was, but at the time it was very real.) I talked to my friends about it, and then I talked to my lawyer about it. When I felt sure that I was not going to lose custody of my girls, even though I was being treated for depression, I was finally ready to move forward.
There are so many resources available online (and one really amazing book, with a version for kids) for how to make divorce easier on your kids. And, let’s face it–it’s hard, and your kids will struggle with it, and they’ll be hurt and angry and confused. But you can do a lot to make it easier. Talk to them about it. Listen to them and let them express their feelings without judgment from you and without letting your own feelings crowd them out. They’ll say things that are hurtful because they are hurt. Just listen and let them know they are heard. “I know it’s hard. You are feeling so sad right now. You are feeling really angry, too. I get it.”
If fear of ruining your children’s lives is the one thing keeping you in your marriage, don’t let it stop you. Your children will be better off with a happy, healthy mother. For years I guiltily believed that I did not enjoy motherhood, and now I know that the cause of my unhappiness was my marriage, not my children. I’m so much happier (and a much better mom) as a single mom than I ever was when I was married. You can be, too.
Divorced-at-Home Mom 